Fly On The Wall, Vol. 5: Genius At Work

SETTING: Tony Stark's Penthouse

PLAYERS: Tony Stark, Reed Richards, Hank Pym

TIME: 2 days after the Stamford Incident

(Tony and Reed are sitting on the sofa talking)

REED: ...and so that's why Doom wears the mask.

TONY: Wow. Cold sores. Who knew?

REED: Me, that's who!

REED + TONY: (laugh)

TONY: But seriously, Reed, we've got to get to work on this list of ways to better the world now that Stamford's a crater.

REED: Yeah. I suppose---

(doorbell rings)

REED: You expecting anyone?

(Tony opens door. Hank Pym enters carrying a covered tray.)

HANK: Hey, guys! Thanks for inviting me! I cooked up some of Aunt Pym's Spinach Tarts in case we got hungry.

TONY: Awesome! Come on in!

(Hank enters, sets tray down on coffee table)

HANK: Got anything to drink around here?

ALL: (silence)

HANK: What?

TONY: Hank, I'm a recovering alcoholic. As such, I'm appalled that you would sugges----BWAHAHAHA!

REED: You almost made it through without laughing!

TONY: I did, didn't I? Man, so close. Come here, Hank. (Knocks elbow on a bookcase panel to reveal a well-stocked bar)

HANK: But-- you're--

REED: (rolls eyes) Come on, Hank, you're among friends. Just don't tell anyone, OK?

HANK: Well, OK, I--

TONY: (points at Reed and Hank) Whiskey? Vodka? Ah! Highballs all around, I think.

(Tony makes drinks and hands them out. Everyone sits on the sofa.)

HANK: So, about this list. (pulls out a notebook)

REED: Yes, the list.

HANK: I did some brainstorming before I came over, you know, just kind of blue-skying, and came up with--

TONY: You know, I could go for some wings right about now.

REED: Oh, I love wings.

HANK: --some things we could do to solve our whole public opinon fiasco--

TONY: You ever had Mario's on 4th? He makes the garlic sauce and buffalo--

REED: With the peppers! Yes! Those are awesome! Sue and I went there a couple weeks ago.

HANK: Um, guys, I think--

TONY: Right, right, back to business. Sorry. Now, I had an idea. I thought maybe we could call the Watcher and see if he can do some of that whole time-space-altering thingamabob he does sometimes and make it so Stamford never happened.

REED: I thought of that too, but Uatu's one of those "I'll call you, don't call me" kind of cats.

TONY: Right. Good point. How about Doctor Strange?

REED: Still off living in Antarctica, near as I can tell. And not returning our calls, although I think Wong misses us.

TONY: Why do you think that?

REED: Who wouldn't miss us? We're geniuses!

REED + TONY: BWAHAHAH!

(Reed and Tony clink their glasses in a toast)

TONY: Good Lord, man, all I did was bring up an idea about registration! You'd think I peed in his Cheerios or something!

REED: And Wanda's... you know...

ALL: (silence)

TONY: What about Franklin?

REED: He's... um... well, the last time he did it he saved that pocket universe with our doubles, and your evil self, and...

TONY: Let's move on.

REED: Agreed.

HANK: Right then, I thought maybe we could make a big national public apology, and offer to rebuild Stamford or something. Maybe point out that really it was the bad guys' fault this happened, or---

TONY: (finishes drink, gets up to make another) I was thinking maybe we could set up some kind of training deal, you know, tell everyone we're taking the young 'uns under our wing, give assurances...

REED: Oh, come on, Tony!

TONY: No, serious!

REED: Like, who's going to sign up for that?

HANK: Well, as long as we didn't make it too restrictive. And we'd definitely want to keep the government out of---

TONY: Hey, throw me one of them spinach tarts, will you?

REED: Sure. (Throws a spinach tart at Tony, who catches and gobbles it down)

HANK: You like?

TONY: Mmmm. Delish!

HANK: Any way, if we---

REED: You know, Why don't we just take Speedball out of play for a while? It's a great excuse to get Sue to let me build that huge interlocking prison system in the Negative Zone that I've been itching to try out.

HANK: Lock up Speedball? But he--

TONY: You may have something there, Reed. But we don't even know the kid's name! (Cracks open a can of Natural Light, offers it to Hank)

HANK: No, I'm good.

REED: Yeah, you're right.

TONY: I know! (Shotguns Natty Light and pours a vodka) What if we made everyone tell us who they are? Then we could keep a tighter lid on things.

REED: You're talking about registration again, aren't you? Listen, remember when we had that whole Illuminati council? Remem---

HANK: Illuminati?

REED + TONY: (silence)

HANK: What's the Illuminati?

TONY: Um, nothing, Hank. It was a... uh... code name for a... um... me and Reed's weekly pinochle game.

HANK: Oh. Huh.

REED (whispers): Ixnay on the Illuminati-ay!

TONY: Roger that!

HANK: What?

REED: Listen, even if you did manage to get the cockamamie legislation passed---

TONY: If? What do you mean 'if'? Man, I'm Tony Freaking (hic) Stark! I pull so many strings people call me the Harpist!

REED + HANK: (silence)

TONY: Because.. you know.. a harpist pulls strings.. playing the.. never mind. Tart me, stretch!

(Reed throws Tony another spinach tart)

HANK: Get serious, guys. We should---

REED: (finishes drink) I don't know, I suppose---

TONY: (gestures at Reed's empty glass) Topper?

REED: Eh, why not?

TONY: Alright! Now we're cooking! (fills glass for Reed)

REED: Anyway, I suppose we should think about the ramifications of such a law.

TONY: Oh, screw the (hic) rafeme-- rafica-- rammama-- screw the issues! We gotta do something!

HANK: I'm still in favor of a measured, consensus--

TONY: (finishes vodka) Oh, man, I am jonesing for those wings.

REED: (downs his highball) Hank, listen. Me and Tony, we know our way around the whole "science" thing just a tad better than you, OK? We are FUTURISTS, man! Plus, we didn't create Vision, who sucked.

TONY: Prophets!

REED: Saviors!

TONY: Shots all around!

HANK: Guys, I really don't think this is a good idea. I mean, you know Cap's gonna hate it. And Spider-Man? His identity means a lot to him.

TONY: (handing Reed a shot of Jagermeister) Pfft. I've got Pete in my back pocket. Threw him a new suit and a penthouse, and now he loves me like an uncle.

REED: (shoots the Jager) A really freakin' rich badass uncle!

REED + TONY: (laughs)

HANK: GUYS!

ALL: (silence)

HANK: Now, I've got a list of 41 ideas here that could help the situation--

TONY: Hey, who wants to go to Monte Carlo? Right now?

REED: Eh, I've gotta get back. Sue spent all day slapping around Mole Man---

TONY: (giggles)

REED: What?

TONY: Nothing. Just wondering if "slapping around Mole Man" is a eumef--- a muefe-- a yoo-fa-mism --- for... you (hic) know.

TONY + REED: BWAHHAHHAH!

TONY: We could be there, hit the casinos, be back before dawn.

HANK: This is ridiculous! The fate of the universe could be---

REED: Aw, stow it ANT-Man!

TONY + REED: BWAHHAHHAH!

HANK: Forget it. I'm out of here. (gets up to leave)

TONY: Wait wait wait, Hank. Sorry. Really. Howzabout--- and I'm (hic) not making any promises here, but what if I told you that I'd let you build a cyborg?

HANK: What?

TONY: You heard me. A cyborg.

HANK: Tony, I built Ultron, and that didn't turn out so well.

REED: Yeah, but you're gonna love this. This one? (whispers in Hank's ear)

HANK: (eyes widen)

HANK: No WAY.

TONY: Totally.

HANK: Thor? A Thor-borg? Seriously?

REED: It's all yours, buddy.

HANK: (sighs) OK, I'm in. You know I can't resist creating potentially lethal robots.

TONY: Awesome. Knew we could count on you, Henry.

HANK: OK, well, I'll see you guys tomorrow, then?

REED: Sounds good. Oh, do you want your tart tray back?

HANK: Nah, just wash it if you would, and I'll get it some time.

TONY: Cool.

HANK: Later. (leaves)

REED: OK, so we pass the law, I get to build my prison, maybe we hire some extra help to put down the dissidents... that's good for tonight, you think?

TONY: Yeah, yeah, we'll hammer out the details later! Come on, man! We'll take the Quinjet and get some wings to eat on the way to Monte.

REED: You can't tell Sue.

TONY: I won't if you won't!

REED: Alright. I'm in! You know, I was thinking, Tony... maybe we can get Cap to side with us, make us look good for the public.

TONY: Don't worry about Cap. He's one of my best friends, trusts me implicitly, and we go waaaaaaay back. I'm telling you, stretch: nothing could possibly go wrong!

(Tony and Reed exit.)

Fly On The Wall, Vol. 1: JLA
Fly On The Wall, Vol. 2: Marvel Writer's Meeting
Fly On The Wall, Vol. 3: One Week Later
Fly On The Wall, Vol. 4: Avengers vs. Quesada