Friday, February 10, 2006

Fly On The Wall, Vol. I: JLA

SETTING: JLA Watchtower, approximately 10 minutes before the attack which starts Infinite Crisis

PLAYERS: Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Hawkman, Hal Jordan, Aquaman, Martian Manhunter, Wally West



MM: (raps gavel) Order! Order! Before we discuss this week's business, do we have anything from last week still outstanding?

BATMAN: I don't believe we ever finished that business about the mindwipes.

ALL: (groan)

HAL: Geez, we're sorry, OK? We. Are. Sorry. There. Let it go, Bruce.

BATMAN: Easy for you to say. You didn't lose any memories. That's ten minutes that I'll never get back---

HAWKMAN: (rolls eyes) Oh, please. I'm sure those ten minutes were the most important of your life, right?

BATMAN: That's not the point---

HAL: Why don't you just pretend that you remember what happened? Make it a happy memory, like flowers or meadows---

HAWKMAN: Or maybe you told a fart joke.

ALL: (looks at Hawkman)

HAWKMAN: What?

BATMAN: I hate all of you.

AQUAMAN: I have some new business to discuss.

MM: The chair recognizes Aquaman.

WALLY: You should, you've known him long enough! Har!

ALL: (looks at Wally)

WALLY: What?

AQUAMAN: Anyway, I've got this sinking feeling---

HAL: (giggles)

AQUAMAN: What?

HAL: Nothing. (chuckles)

AQUAMAN: No, seriously, what?

HAL: You said "sinking". (snort)

AQUAMAN: (stares at Hal)

HAL: And you live in the water...but you're...sinking...never mind.

AQUAMAN: Anyway, I'm seriously concerned about my future. I hear I'm getting a sword.

MM: And?

AQUAMAN: And, well, I don't think it's going to be me getting the sword. I think I'm getting replaced. I hear they want someone younger and someone who fits in with a whole swords-and-sorcery motif.

MM: And?

SUPERMAN: It's not like you're not coming back, or anything.

AQUAMAN: How do you know?

SUPERMAN: You've got a TV show coming up, right?

AQUAMAN: Well, yes.

SUPERMAN: And you were in Superfriends, right?

AQUAMAN: Yes, but---

SUPERMAN: Trust me, son, you'll be fine.

WW: Easy for you to say. You've got a movie coming out.

SUPERMAN: Oh, like you don't?

WW: Please. We're looking at two years at best before that sucker hits the screen.

WALLY: You think your movie is stuck in development hell?

SUPERMAN: OK, that's enough---

BATMAN: My movie did great.

WW: Asshead.

BATMAN: Murderess.

MM: Enough! (raps gavel)

HAWKMAN: Bitch, bitch, bitch. You know, some of us are lucky just to get a single episode in the final season of JLU, much less a movie.

MM: Carter makes a good point.

HAL: (giggles)

MM: (sighs) What is it now, Hal?

HAL: Sinking. Heh.

WALLY: I've got a really bad feeling about the next couple of months.

BATMAN: You should. I've read your post-Geoff Johns issues already.

SUPERMAN: Oh, snap!

WW: I know how you feel, Wally. I too am getting canceled after the Crisis.

HAWKMAN: You too?

WW: Yup.

SUPERMAN: Wow. Diana, Arthur, Carter --- all cancelled and then relaunched?

MM: I don't even have anything to cancel.

ALL: (silence and staring down at their shoes)

HAL: Well, this is awkward.

MM: Look, let's just go over the assignments today, OK?

SUPERMAN: Agreed.

MM: Wally, what's on your agenda?

WALLY: Ah, let's see, I'm going to visit my twins that Linda miraculously gave birth to after Uncle Barry reappeared and helped me defeat Zoom. Then I'm going to lose 120 IQ points and fall for Vandal Savage's latest attempt at world domination.

MM: Then you're done, right?

WALLY: Yeah, then...right.

MM: Carter?

HAWKMAN: Kendra and I are going off to space---

ALL: (groan)

HAWKMAN: Hey, I didn't see anybody else volunteering for this! Fricking Adam Strange. Anyway, I guess we're the ones drafted into going out there. Thanks for nothing, guys.

HAL: It gets lonely out there, you know.

HAWKMAN: (looks at Hal)

HAL: I'm just saying that you and Hawkgirl...out there...under stress...

HAWKMAN: (looks at Hal)

HAL: You know...could be the end of the universe...all that...lovers...

HAWKMAN: What are you trying to say, Hal?

HAL: (leering) Oh, come on! I just want to know if you'll...you know...be hittin' the kitten!

WW: Oh, Gods. (looks disgustedly at Hal)

HAL: What? I just wanted to know---

ALL: Shut up, Hal.

MM: Ahem. Aquaman?

AQUAMAN: No idea.

MM: Seriously?

AQUAMAN: Yeah. Seriously. I'm just treading water until----oh, DAMMIT!

ALL: (burst out laughing)

SUPERMAN: OK, THAT was funny!

HAL: Word!

MM: (sighs) Moving on...Diana?

WW: Well, I'm thinking I need a lawyer.

BATMAN: (mock amazement) No!

WW: Shut up. Now.

HAL: Hey if every TV on Earth were broadcasting me committing murder 24 hours a day, I'd need a lawyer, too!

ALL: (stare at Hal)

HAL: What? Something I said?

BATMAN: Parallax much, Jordan?

SUPERMAN: Oh, another snap!

HAL: That's dirty pool.

MM: Dare I ask...Hal? Assignment?

HAL: The usual. Flying, blowing off my family, fighting things, blahbity-blah-blah-blah.

MM: Batman, what will you be up to this week?

BATMAN: None of your goddamned business.

ALL: (uncomfortable silence)

SUPERMAN: Ah, em, J'onn, I'll be saving three orphanages from fires, rescuing a sunken ship from the Marianas Trench, reuniting star-crossed lovers, and stabilizing the economy of Sri Lanka.

MM: Excellent! Finally, a hero worthy of the name Justice League!

SUPERMAN: GOTCHA! Naw, Lois and I are going to the Catskills.

HAWKMAN: For real?

SUPERMAN: Totally.

BATMAN: That'll be nice.

SUPERMAN: Yeah, you know, just get away from it all.

MM: I don't believe this ---

AQUAMAN: Staying at a resort?

SUPERMAN: Yeah, found a place online---

MM: This is ridiculous---

HAL: (leering) Little love nest?

SUPERMAN: I don't wanna say---

WW: Aw, that's sweet for you guys to get some time together---

SUPERMAN: Yeah, it's kind of a birthday-slash-anniversary thing, so----

WALLY: Well, good for you. Have fun!

SUPERMAN: Should be good---

MM: What I wouldn't give for a Crisis right about now...


(fade to black)

9 Comments:

Blogger Guy LeCharles Gonzalez said...

Ha ha! Good stuff. If Kleid ever gets too busy for his Take That! column, you should take over.

7:58 PM  
Blogger Scipio said...

That made me laugh. Hard.

Thank you...

8:43 PM  
Blogger Jake said...

Per our discussion re: Nextwave, THIS is how superhero team parody should be done.

12:10 AM  
Blogger CalvinPitt said...

And then. . .

J'onn used his telepathic abilities to kill the other JLAers.

Then he let his fellow Martians out of the Phantom Zone to conquer Earth.

Then 71 Martians beat the Pocket Dimension 4 to a bloody pulp, while Geoff Johns says "This isn't what I had planned at all!"

Actually, I would have settled for Hal getting hit over the head. Probably by Hawkman.

9:29 AM  
Anonymous Nate said...

XD!

12:51 PM  
Blogger markus said...

more fun than IC so far. Thanks.

6:55 AM  
Blogger redlib said...

You have gone to the top of my fangirl list this week.
Also, I'm getting a sneaking suspicion that Jake doesn't like Ellis.

8:50 PM  
Blogger kelvingreen said...

Hey, I don't like Ellis, but I loved Nextwave. :)

This was great, by the way, although you made Hal far too interesting.

11:00 PM  
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