Monday, May 08, 2006

Fly On The Wall, Vol. 3: One Week Later

SETTING: Big Al's Brew N' Stew, a dive bar in Gotham, one week after Infinite Crisis.

PLAYERS: Bruce Wayne, Diana Prince, Clark Kent, A Bartender

BRUCE: Hi Clark! Glad you could make it, man.

CLARK: (sitting) Me, too. Good to see you.

BARTENDER: Can I get you something sir?

CLARK: What are you having, Bruce?

BRUCE: Bourbon.

CLARK: Let's see...I'll have ... mmm... a lemon water with dry vermouth and just a splash of cranberry juice---ooh!---and a LOT of cherries.

BRUCE: (looks at Clark)

CLARK: What?

BRUCE: Nothing.

CLARK: I'm, uh, getting over a cold.

BRUCE: Right. (pause) So, it's been quite a couple of days around here, hasn't it?

CLARK: You're telling me. Between that "Earth-2 me" and SuperBrat Prime, I feel like a tenderized pork roast.

BARTENDER: (handing Clark his drink) Your drink, sir.

BRUCE: I bet. So, big plans for the next few days?

CLARK: Well, I'm thinking of going and doing things I've never done before.

BRUCE: Like buying a plane ticket?

CLARK: Har! No. But that's a good one. I was thinking of maybe redoing the kitchen. I found some great cabinets online for a good price.

BRUCE: Nice. Oak?

CLARK: Totally.

BRUCE: Nice.

CLARK: Yeah.

BRUCE: So, any idea when your powers are coming back? I mean, that was about 9 gazillion tons of kryptonite you wallowed in out there.

CLARK: No idea. Right now I've got nothin'. No heat vision, no freeze's weird, you know?

BRUCE: I bet Lois is happy to have the X-Ray vision gone.

CLARK: (stares)

BRUCE: Because, you know... you won't be able...

CLARK: (stares)

BRUCE: To see... through... the... (sighs) ...bartender, another please?

DIANA: (enters) Hey, guys!


DIANA: How's it going?

CLARK: Good to see you.

DIANA: You too. Barkeep, white wine please. (looks at Clark's drink with the umbrella)

CLARK: What? I'm getting over a cold!


CLARK: Well. Glad that Crisis thing's all over with, huh?

DIANA: (laughs) Friggin' Luthors, man, I swear. Someone needs to genetically castrate that whole bloodline.

BRUCE: I'm working on it.

DIANA+ CLARK: (stares)


ALL: (laughs)

BRUCE: Oh, man, I had you there, huh? I really did.

CLARK: (laughing, shaking head) Totally, Bruce. That was pretty good.

BRUCE: Anyhoo.

DIANA: So Bruce, you haven't told us what you're going to be doing the next few days.

BRUCE: Well, it's time to really put things in perspective, you know? Work out some of my paranoia issues, get a little sanity and common sense back into the ol' melon, you know?


BRUCE: So, I'm going to travel incognito as the older rich patron to a twenty-something young man and a teenage boy on a tramp steamer bound for Nepal and I'm leaving Two-Face in charge of Gotham.

ALL: (pause)

CLARK: Serious?


DIANA: Bruce, I don't---

BRUCE: I know, I know, Harvey's nuttier than a Waldorf salad. But hey, how much damage could he possibly do? I'm only gonna be gone a month or two.

DIANA: Is that entirely legal?

BRUCE: Who cares? I'm rich!

ALL: (laughs)

BRUCE: Anyway. Get back to my roots and all, you know.

CLARK: Yeah.

DIANA: Sounds good. And more than a little weird.

BRUCE: Diana? Your plans?

DIANA: Well, I'm not sure. I mean, at this point there aren't a lot of options for a wanted criminal, disgraced ambassador with no homeland, and ineffectual hero who arguably contributed the least in the time of Earth's greatest need.

BRUCE: Hey, don't get down on yourself. If you hadn't come in and dropped your sword right when I was about to ventilate the Luthor kid, then... um...

ALL: (silence)

DIANA: The building would have fallen on him anyway?

BRUCE: Er, yeah, I guess.


ALL: (sip their drinks in silence)

CLARK: You've still got the jet, right?

DIANA: Yeah. (furrows brow) I think so. It's parked over at Ferris, but I didn't tell anyone. I'm hoping nobody thinks that's an EMPTY runway!

ALL: (laughs)

CLARK: Maybe you could take it for a spin. It flies in space, yeah?

DIANA: God knows, at this point. I don't even remember owning it until about a week ago.

BRUCE: You could ask Hal to---

DIANA: I am NOT asking Hal for anything, especially if it involves us sharing a cockpit. He'd just sit there saying "cockpit" over and over again and then giggle.

BRUCE: Good point.

CLARK: So, where's Arthur?

DIANA: Don't know. Last I saw of him they were fighting a bunch of people in Metropolis with some hazy red cloud obscuring the background. Weird.

CLARK: Hawkman?

BRUCE: You know, I'm not sure. Wasn't he out in space with um... (snaps fingers) what's her name... you know... black suit with stars, dark hair... oh, jeez... was dead till about about a year ago...

DIANA: Donna Troy?

BRUCE: Yeah! Her! Wasn't he out there with her and Kyle?

CLARK: I think so. I couldn't really tell you what happened out there, except that Kyle had his face shot off and there were these hands or something.

DIANA: Hands?

CLARK: Ask Firestorm, I heard it from him.


BRUCE: Speaking of which, I hear that Firestorm has a new girlfriend. Firehawk, is it?

DIANA: I think it's a little more complicated than that.

BRUCE: All I know is that Firestorm said Kyle's face got changed, and then he became Ion again or something.

DIANA: Poor kid.

CLARK: Man, that's gotta be tough. I mean, one minute you're the only Green Lantern left, the next minute you can't walk two feet without tripping over some desk lamp with a power ring who says he's the Green Lantern of 5th and Broadway or whatever.

BRUCE: (laughs) I know what you mean.

DIANA: C'mon guys, help me out. Any ideas here?

CLARK: Isn't J'onn going to try and get the JLA fired back up? Maybe you could help him do that.

DIANA: I thought about that, but since now I apparently founded the JLA, I'm kinda tired of that. Plus, he's got this dorky new outfit, and I'm not sure that I can keep a straight face anymore the next time he asks, "Are you sure it looks OK, Diana?"

ALL: (laughs)

BRUCE: You do a killer J'onn impression.

DIANA: Thanks. I just wish I could get that no-pupils look down, you know?

BRUCE: Yeah.

CLARK: Maybe you could go help Ollie run Star City. I hear he's running for mayor.

BRUCE: Are you serious?

CLARK: That's what Dinah says.

DIANA: Ollie couldn't manage a 7-11! The man has millions of dollars, and still his phone gets turned off every other month! How the hell is he going to run a city?

CLARK: I know, I know. Still. (shrugs)

DIANA: No, I think I'll just... I dunno. Go somewhere quiet.

BRUCE: Yeah, we could all use a breather. (raises a glass) Well, friends, here's to the memory of some of our best friends.

DIANA: To Wally!

BRUCE: To Connor!

CLARK: To Pantha!



BRUCE: What? OK, OK, I'm sorry.

CLARK: Well, I gotta run. Lois is making goulash and Fever Pitch came from Netflix today.

DIANA: Seeya, Clark. (hugs Clark)

BRUCE: Bye, Clark. (shakes hands with Clark)

CLARK: Bye! Good luck, guys! (leaves)

BRUCE: Well, I should go too. Gotta make sure I get ahold of Dick before we leave.

DIANA: (giggles)

BRUCE: Oh, jeez, Diana, are we back to that?

DIANA: You gotta admit, it's a little bit funny.

ALL: (pause)

BRUCE: OK, yeah, it's a little funny.

DIANA: (stands up) Well, I'll see you around.

BRUCE: Bye, Diana. Good luck hiding from justice and the millions of people who will inevitably blame all the destruction and death of the last two days on you.

DIANA: Thanks. (leaves)

BARTENDER: Your check, sir.

BRUCE: Those--grrrr. Why does the billionaire always get stuck with the tab? I guess some things never change. (drops money on the table and leaves)

(fade to black)


Blogger Cap'n Neurotic said...

Bravo, sir, bravo. By far the most entertaining commentary on Infinite Anticlimax I've seen.

8:17 PM  
Blogger The Fortress Keeper said...

"Clark: To Pantha!"

"Bruce: Fwmmp!"

Funniest thing I read all day.

12:03 AM  
Blogger joncormier said...

The rolling head of Pantha. Comedy Gold!

6:02 AM  
Blogger naladahc said...


6:17 AM  
Blogger CalvinPitt said...

You're telling me Bruce Wayne won't try a "drink n' dash"? With his acrobatic skillz it'd be easy.

Absolutely hilarious.

9:59 AM  
Anonymous Cove West said...

Desk Lamp, Green Lantern of 5th and Broadway. Grant Morrison's head just exploded.

And just what exactly is DC thinking with Wonder Woman? Are "world-reknowned murderer" and "superpowered spectator" really what they should be touting in the run up to the movie? At least Donna acted like she was doing something important.

4:05 PM  

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