Friday, July 28, 2006

Fly On The Wall, Vol. 4: Avengers vs. Quesada

SETTING: Joe Quesada's Office

PLAYERS: Thor, Hawkeye, Spider-Man, Scarlet Witch, Iron Man, Captain America, Joe Quesada

JOE Q: (on the phone)...that's right, Colbert Report at 11, NPR at 4, dinner with those Hollywood guys at 8...right... musk. Lemon-scented. Got it.

(The door is kicked in. Into the office burst Thor, Hawkeye, Spider-Man, Scarlet Witch, Iron Man, and Captain America.)

JOE Q: What the hell is going on here?

CAP: Funny, Joe, we sort of had the same question.

JOE Q: Wha- what are you talking about?

HAWKEYE: We're talking about our lives here, Joe. They suck, and it's your fault.

ALL: (stare at Quesada)

JOE Q: You mean---

HAWKEYE: I mean that you've fallen down on the job. Let's start with killing me.

JOE Q: Hey! Technically that was her fault! (points to Wanda)

WANDA: Yeah, but YOU told me to!

JOE Q: But we brought you back, didn't we?

HAWKEYE: (nocking an arrow) I don't know, Joe. Did you? Did you REALLY bring me back?

THOR: And whither thy explanation for the most odious lack of Odinson in thine comics of late?

ALL: (silence)

JOE Q: What did he say?

CAP: He'd like to know where you've been keeping him.

JOE Q: Hey! He just came back on the last page of Civil War #3, didn't he?

HAWKEYE (drawing bow): Joe, pretend just for a second that we live in a world where everyone is NOT a moron.

JOE Q: What's that arrow you're aiming at me?

IM: Oh, that? That's the arrow that splits into 25 pork chops that attach themselves to your body.

JOE Q: (gestures to Wanda, who is chanting) And what's she doing?

CAP: Summoning starving wolves.

AVENGERS: (grin)

JOE Q: OK, OK, look, it's not like I haven't done some good things for you guys too, you know! Tony---you've haven't had a profile this big in 20 years!

IM: (rolling eyes) Joe, I haven't been this much of a DICK TO MY FRIENDS in 20 years! Tony Stark, traitor and asspipe! Thanks a BUNCH, Joe! What's next, hyping the Fantastic Four by sending them on a nine-state killing spree? (Chest beam starts glowing)

JOE Q: So, you've been talking to Millar, have you? Damn you, Stark! That was supposed to be a Wizardworld Chicago exclusive!

SPIDEY: You know, I'd like to say something here---

JOE Q: Now, just a minute---

CAP: How many books does he sell, again?

JOE Q: (silence)

(A faint sound of howling wolves)

CAP: That's what I thought. Go ahead, Pete.

SPIDEY: Thanks, Cap. Ahem. Anyway, what I was going to say is, I, um, don't think that this whole "everyone knowing who I am thing" is going to work out.

JOE Q: Why not?

SPIDEY: Well, mainly because everyone will know who I am.

JOE Q: (stares)

SPIDEY: And that's bad...(looks expectantly at Joe Q)

JOE Q: (stares)

SPIDEY: ...because I have ... you know... enemies...

JOE Q: (stares)

SPIDEY: ...and a fam---oh, forget it. (Turns to Thor) He really isn't all there, is he?

THOR: Nay, poorly-costumed arachnid with gold wingtips.

SPIDEY: Really, call me Pete. Or Peter, or---hey! Was that a dig at the costume? Everyone hates the costume. (Sighs) Heck, I hate the costume.

JOE Q: Listen, I understand your plight, and I truly sympathize---

WANDA: ---ieiunium lupus vultus pro caro---

IM: I don't mean to put the pressure on, Joey, but I hear howling.

HAWKEYE: You ready to become the other white meat?

JOE Q: C'mon, guys! You're heroes, remember? You're the good guys! You can't do this to me!

IM: (grinning, leaning over the desk) Actually Joe, these days I'm... how did you put it in the interview... conflicted. (Aims rapidly heating repulsor ray at Joe)

THOR: I say to thee, Thor cares not for bad editorship, and even less for those inclined to cage the God of Thunder in a GODDAMNED DESK DRAWER for two years and then pull him back out as a SHIELD lackey clonebot!

ALL: (silence)

THOR: I... um...

ALL: (stares at Thor)


ALL: (cheer)

SPIDEY: Man, I just can't get enough of that.

HAWKEYE: Totally. There was this fight with Ultron one time---

CAP: Guys, back to the business at hand, please.

HAWKEYE: Right, Cap.

JOE Q: Listen, if you would all just calm down I think we can come to some sort of an agreement here.

ALL: (huddle and consider the offer)

CAP: (turns back to Joe) Alright, we're listening.

JOE Q: (leans in and whispers) I can give him to you.

IM: What? Who?

JOE Q: You know. HIM.

HAWKEYE: (lowers bow and arrow) Him who?

JOE Q: The guy doing all these crazy things.

SPIDEY: Oh, Lord. I knew it. Osborn's back. This is all my fault---

JOE Q: No no no, check this out.

(Removes toupee. Protruding from his skull is a miniature pulsating microchip.)

CAP: Stars and bars, what in God's name is that?

IM: Let me take a look. Using my Stupid New Powers™ I can instantly jack into the wiring to determine its purpose.

JOE Q: (sweats)

IM: Good Lord! Someone's implanted a microchip that appears to render the subject completely oblivious to incoherent superhero storytelling and characterization!

HAWKEYE: Sweet Hannah's Polka-Dotted Negligee!

ALL: (stares at Hawkeye)

HAWKEYE: Cut me some slack, alright? It's been awhile since I used a catchphrase.

THOR: Canst thou divine the odious object's creator?

IM: I see the maker's signature etched in the wiring...B ... M... B.

CAP: This bears further investigation. Alright Joe, you bought yourself a little time. We'll be back.

JOE Q: Thanks, guys. But don't let him know that I'm the one that sent you.

WANDA: Can I stop chanting now?

CAP: Sure.

(howls die down)

THOR: Think not, mortal, that this gets thou off thine hook. As sworn protector of thine stories, thy callous disregard for thine properties assures you of no quarter.

JOE Q: What?

HAWKEYE: C'mon, Thor. I have a feeling that this isn't over.

IM: You seriously have an arrow that makes pork chops?

HAWKEYE: Totally.

IM: Sweet. Got one that makes whiskey?

HAWKEYE: Canadian or Kentucky?

IM: Have I mentioned I'm glad you're back?

(The Avengers file out of the office.)

JOE Q: (Looks around, picks up the phone, dials) Hey, it's me. They're on their way. Yeah. Very close. I think it's time. Pull the trigger on Operation Are You Kidding Me.



Previous Installments

Fly On The Wall, Vol. 1: JLA
Fly On The Wall, Vol. 2: Marvel Writers' Meeting
Fly On The Wall, Vol. 3: One Week Later


Blogger CalvinPitt said...

Technically, wouldn't Wanda just increase the probabilities that a plane carrying wolves back to the wild would have to emergency land in front of the building?

Not that it matters. Porkchop arrows, freaking "I SAY THEE NAY!", Hawkeye!

I am a little dissapointed Wanda didn't at least kick Joe in the shin. He could have hopped around, and we could all laugh.

5:10 AM  
Blogger Guy LeCharles Gonzalez said...


7:10 AM  
Blogger Chris Laffoon said...

Funny...but I guess I'm the only person on the planet that likes the direction he's taking with all this.

7:33 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Chris: you may be the only person on the planet that thinks he HAS a direction other than "greenlight anything Bendis or Millar pitches".

That said, I am liking Civil War, for what that's worth, and Annihilation wasn't terrible.

7:38 AM  
Blogger The Fortress Keeper said...


11:29 AM  
Anonymous carla said...

You see, if it all was just bad, that'd almost be better. Because then we could just go, 'Meh, Civil War, not reading it' and move on. But no! There's some really good stuff in there! Like... like bacon in your spinach. Take a bite, ew spinach, but hey... bit of bacon. Pretty good.
Strange analogy aside, FREE THE EDITORS! Come on, IM, use your ridiculous powers for good!

and yes, Wanda should come back and kick him in the shin. It's personal.

11:45 AM  
Blogger Mark said...

Wasn't Iron Man an Irish Whisky drinker? I could have sworn I saw a Bushmills bottle in a comic of his once.

12:28 AM  
Blogger kelvingreen said...

See the logic is that it has to be a Thor-Bot, because no way would Thor go along with this shit. But that implies that there is any kind of logic at all to Civil War...

6:55 AM  

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