Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Better Know A Hero: Batman

2 Guys Buying Comics has been apprised of the fact that a good portion of our visitors are just getting back into comics. We now present the first installation of our weekly feature, Better Know A Hero.

Name: Batman

Also Known As: Dark Knight, Caped Crusader,
"World's Greatest Detective", which makes the Sherlock Holmes Fan Club pee-yossed.

Origin: Saw his parents get gunned down in an alley when he was a wee bairn. Traveled the world learning how to fight and inventing gadgets with his zillions of dollars, now wages a not-very-smart-strictly-from-a-numbers-perspective one man war on crime.

Powers: Brilliant powers of detection, hand-to-hand fighting, Bat-themed vehicles and gadgetry, paranoia so extreme he makes Josef Stalin look like Santa Claus.

How's The Costume?: It's the single coolest flying-mammal-themed costume ever.

Alter Ego: Bruce "Sugar Daddy" Wayne, billionaire playboy with a penchant for supermodels, heiresses, other billionaires, and adopting teenage boys.

Home Cookin': Lives in Gotham, which has an abundance of Gothic art deco architecture, no middle class to speak of, and exports reservoir-poisoning psychopaths the way Idaho exports potatoes.

Chillin' at the Crib: Resides in Stately Wayne Manorâ„¢, which is usually depicted as a mansion roughly the size of Sweden. Works out of a high-tech cave that contains, among other things, a supercomputer, a dinosaur, a giant penny, what one assumes is an astounding amount of bat guano, and that's just the foyer.

Can He Fight?: Are you kidding me? Is one hella good martial artist. Like, "routinely takes down twelve guys armed with pipes and revolvers with a few roundhouse kicks and a stare" good. And that's before we get to him flinging batarangs, smoke bombs, paper clips, monkey teeth, explosive croissants, parakeets, and God knows what else he keeps in the utility belt.

Allies: Sidekick Robin, who historically has been a progression of the aforementioned teenage boys. Geriatric Police Commissioner Gordon, evergreen butler/tailor/mechanic/cook/utility infielder Alfred Pennyworth. "Friend with benefits" Catwoman.

Enemies: Clowns, penguins, frozen guys, scarecrows, disfigured ex-District Attorneys, sunshine, rainbows, lollipops.

Symbol: Only the single best logo ever, which DC refuses to put back on his chest because they hate me.

Family Matters: Adopted circus acrobat Dick Grayson as a boy who became Nightwing, took in juvenile delinquent Jason Todd who he got killed, and adopting Tim Drake. Also "slipped one past the goalie" in a dalliance with Talia Al'Ghul, daughter of criminal mastermind and a right nasty bitch in her own right. Their son Damien recently showed up and raised a ruckus, but he's gone now for the time being, along with the heavy-handed symbolic name.

Might Be Cool To: Have him drop in on your boss at home and scare him into giving you a raise. Take the Batmobile through Taco Bell drive-in. Get a research grant from. Slap.

Under No Cirmustances: Tell him a secret, because Batman is exactly the kind of person who, upon finding out that you sleep with "Tuffy" the stuffed bear every night, devise an emergency plan to animate "Tuffy" while you're asleep and have him steal all your pants. In case, you know, you turn evil. Imply that "sliding down the Batpole" is code for anything.

Annual Performance Review: Well, he did build a satellite to spy on everyone on earth that ended up creating killer cyborgs. Before Infinite Crisis he was a paranoid douchelord, but then he took a totally platonic and not-suspicious-in-any-way yearlong cruise with Tim and Dick and so now he's just a garden variety badass type-A personality again, with a focus on detectin'.

What Makes Him So Special, Anyway?: Putting aside the fact that he's been around for 60-odd years and is a legend among legends, he is the Goddamned Batman. If you met him in real life you'd probably soil yourself and immediately confess to the Lindbergh Baby Kidnapping.

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5 Comments:

Anonymous Nick said...

I wonder if there will ever be an issue with Batman making a booty call to Catwoman, hmm, maybe if Giffen were involved.

1:12 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Nick: I'm almost positive there has been, but I leave it to our legions of readers to help us out on that.

The funny thing is I've seen message boards where people vehemently argue that such a booty call never has and will never take place.

I think we all know, however, that he's hittin' the kitten.

1:23 PM  
Blogger Matthew E said...

I hope 'Better Know a Hero' becomes a regular feature. That was really good.

8:50 AM  
Blogger Matthew E said...

Maybe I should have read this part: We now present the first installation of our weekly feature, Better Know A Hero.

8:52 AM  
Blogger James Meeley said...

A Batman "Booty call" on Catwoman: See Catwoman #32 (current series). While you won't see them disrobe on camrea or anything, what IS shown is pretty obvious that "tapped the cat."

1:00 PM  

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