Wednesday, April 19, 2006

I'm In A Bad Mood...

Today sucks, I'm in a bad mood, and so I'm going to take a bunch of cheap nasty shots at Marvel's July solicitation text, because that always makes me feel better!

Oh, and last week's Joe Fridays at Newsarama actually featured an amusing zing from Joey Q when asked about the unending hype machine from Marvel's offices: "Boy, how I long for the quite refined no nonsense, hyperbole-less days of Stan Lee. Stan was so quietly behind the scenes you didn’t even know he was there."

OK, he's got a point.

“Embedded” - Civil War has ignited across the Marvel Universe! Embedded reporters Sally Floyd and Ben Urich are driven into the heart of battle—a battle in which a hero will fall. Their investigations will take Sally into the heart of Captain America’s resistance, while Urich is about to get reacquainted with a certain green friend...“The Accussed” - Despised by a nation, the lone survivor of the New Warriors’ team is behind bars. Without family, without a friend in the world and without a reason to go one, will this hero make a deal, or take a stand?

So, the Hulk is back? Already? And I guess all the New Warriors are dead except one who's in jail? And does "The Accussed" mean that someone's using really foul language?

As the public turns against Marvel’s heroes, the gears of Civil War threaten to crush Brian K. Vaughan’s Runaways.

Boy, that is true on so many levels.

“CIVIL WAR” Tie-in!
“VENDETTA”The smackdown of the century is here: Wolverine vs. Nitro - The Human Bomb!

Smackdown of the century? Really? Isn't this like a 3-second fight? And can DC sue for use of "The Human Bomb"?

Tie-in to AMAZING SPIDER-MAN: “The War At Home”The War has begun, sides have been chosen, and the die has been cast! With the repercussions of recent actions in CIVIL WAR spreading across the Marvel Universe, this special stand-alone issue looks at how every action can have enormous consequences...even in Peter Parker’s life.

How can it be a "stand-alone issue" if it's a tie-in to AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, which is itself a tie-in to CIVIL WAR? Or have we finally passed the point where "stand-alone" means "you only have to read 2 other comics to get the whole story instead of 30"?

It all comes to a head in this issue as the Surfer confronts the sins of his past and, more importantly, determines his future path. Whatever you were expecting, we guarantee, this wasn’t it.

Well, I was expecting the "sensational new direction for a classic Marvel hero" that was promised at the beginning of this mini. But apparently, "this wasn't it". Marvel Comics: We Can't Even Keep Continuity Straight In Our Own Hype.

Driven to regain his dignity and burdened by the fate of Xandar, Nova faces the Annihilation Wave head on and unleashes the full power of the Nova Force! But is that enough against such a vast force of cosmic destruction? And if it isn’t, who will stand with him in that last battle? Quasar? Drax?Guest starring QUASAR and DRAX THE DESTROYER!

Well, that answers that question! Thanks, Marvel!

A secret government star-chamber led by Nick Fury concludes that Iron Man has gone rogue, and Tony Stark must take drastic measures to clear his name. But that’s not on the deadly agenda of a mysterious hooded assassin, who continues his brutal program of execution. World peace hangs in the balance as all hell breaks loose in the Iraqi desert. But just who is the man behind the iron mask? The answer will blow you away! Part 4 (of 6).

I'm conflicted. On one hand, it seems to be ignoring Civil War, which is good. On the other hand, the fact that Tony's secret-ish identity is still believed by some but not others continues to bedevil any Iron Man reader left out there.


This Tony Stark is not from our world. Captain America, dead. Reed Richards, insane. Himself the king of Latveria. That is the world he knows. Somehow he was thrown into our dimension. He was being held in stasis on the S.H.I.E.L.D. Heli-carrier until he could be sent back to his own dimension--but now he’s escaped! Is the Marvel Universe ready for the IRON MANIAC?!

Aaaaaaaaaand we've officially crossed over into "Fan Fiction". Dammit Kirkman, please make this good.

Someone out there knows all the angles on Marc Spector. They know his strengths and his weaknesses -- and just how much pressure to apply to make him snap. About 250 pounds of sculpted muscle and cocksure attitude, to be exact. Enter: Taskmaster! (If you thought Moon Knight’s battle with Bushmaster was brutal, you’ve got another thing coming.)

Um....wasn't it Bushman? Who's Bushmaster? Jeezus, Marvel! Or has Bushman been trained by Taskmaster to be the Bushmaster? Either way, this whole paragraph makes my head hurt.

Do you like Nextwave: Agents of H.A.T.E.? Do you like coloring? Do you like cheese?If your answer to the first two questions is “yes” then you need to but the Crayon Butchery Variant of Nextwave: Agents of H.A.T.E. #5!!! You decide what color Dirk Anger should be! You decide what color hair Ellie has! You decide what to do with the insanity!

I'd like to point out the eerie similarity to our imagined FF comic right here. 2 Guys Buying Comics: Predicting the future! (And weeping.)

“NIMROD” Part 1(of 4)!The New X-Men have been killed, blown up, and absolutely decimated. Now, they’re on the offensive! But after all they’ve been through, will they have the strength to defeat their toughest enemy yet? Hey, maybe the New Avengers could help!

...and maybe I'll become a Pulitzer Prize winning comics columnist someday, but I doubt that too. And aren't the New Avengers in the middle of being "disassembled" anyway? At least this explains the title "Nimrod".

THE MYSTERY OF THE SENTRY REVEALED! The Avengers try to help the most
powerful super hero in the world figure out who he is and where he came from! But will this knowledge destroy the man they’re trying to help? Collects NEW AVENGERS #7-10 and the NEW AVENGERS: MOST WANTED FILES handbook.

I am telling you right now, instead of buying this, just take fifteen bucks, light it on fire, and throw it out the window while driving down the freeway. You'll feel much more gratified than reading this particular arc.

Tomorrow, I set my sights on DC. Here's hoping I'm in a better mood.


Blogger CalvinPitt said...

What Quesada fails to understand is there is a line between a sense of showmanship and spitting a bunch of crap out to try to increase interest. I'm not sure what the line is, but I'm pretty sure Joey Q went by it a while back.

God, those Civil War titles are depressing.

I figure Ben Urich runs into the Green Goblin. because Marvel couldn't just let. . . him . . . DIE. JUST LET HIM DIE GODDAMNIT!

Which new Warrior survived? Speedball? Come on, Speedball!

Quasar and Drax the Destroyer? I am actually intrigued. No really. I'm not joking. It's better than Civil War.

Have the New Avengers actually found the truth on the Sentry? Isn't the whole point of his miniseries that seven issues in, we still have no clue what the hell the deal is with this freak?

I think we should both agree not to look at any solicitations from now on.

6:29 PM  
Blogger Canton said...

I almost hate to admit this, but I'm kinda looking forward to butchering Nextwave with crayons. Not because I don't love the comic -- I do -- but because, well, this variant does seem to fit with the no-holds-barred insane (and explosive) parody style. That, and it's an excuse to break out the Crayolas.

Hey, is it bad to be easily amused?

7:53 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

*slaps forehead*

Of course, it's the Green Goblin. I should have thought about it some more. I guess Planet Hulk just has me seeing Ol' Greenskin everywhere!

Thanks, Calvin.

And Canton, you're right; if it was any other book, this would be a stunt. With Nextwave, it's something we should have seen coming. I'm predicting a scratch-n-sniff issue in about 4 months.

8:14 PM  
Anonymous Fin Fang Doom said...

I bet Speedball is the one that survived. Doesn't he have some sort of force-field or somthing, which is what enables him to bounce? So the explosion would have just bounced him a hell of a long ways away.

8:36 PM  
Blogger plok said...

Wow, is all this really for real?

I haven't seen any of this yet, so I can't tell if this is just exceedingly dry humour. Ha, ha, it sounds really awful!

11:13 PM  
Anonymous SpiritGlyph said...

Quesada has a point about Marvel's usual style. On the other hand, Joe Quesada is no Stan Lee.

Does anyone actually care about Sally Floyd? Yes, you in the back... okay, anyone besides Paul Jenkins?

. Captain America, dead. Reed Richards, insane. Himself the king of Latveria.

The sentences, incomplete. Itself ackward writing.

12:54 AM  
Anonymous Fin Fang Doom said...

While I don't specifically care for Sally Floyd, I did find Generation M quite good, and I do care for the idea of a comic about "normal" people in a superhero world.

1:12 AM  
Blogger CalvinPitt said...

chris: I'd like it a lot better if Urich did run into Hulk, and not the Green Goblin.

spiritglyph: I care about sally Floyd! Well, not really, but I'm a whore for Paul Jenkins so I pretty much have to say that I do.

9:06 AM  
Anonymous Fin Fang Doom said...

Y'know, I've been hearing about that Nextwave Crayon Butchery issue for a while now, but I never bothered to read the description. I always figured "Crayon Butchery" was the name of some new, hot, up-and-coming artist that Marvel was going to shove down our throats like Gabriel D'Otto.

9:41 AM  
Blogger The Fortress Keeper said...

Annihilation is actually shaping up to a decent read, but I'm really not looking forward to Civil War. (Anyone else have the feeling that it's all a big excuse to get rid of Mary Jane?)

1:07 PM  
Blogger Canton said...

Funny thing. I'm looking forward to Civil War, but don't really have a burning need to read about Super Skrull and Ronan. Comes down to political commentary (blatant though it is) versus Big Cosmic Event, I guess.

1:35 PM  
Blogger kelvingreen said...

Oh gosh, it's a travesty, isn't it? I'm glad I'm living on the raod for the next couple of months and as such can't keep up with this shite.

Oh, and Speedball does survive, but he's getting a new name and costume (or rather he's getting his old name back and a boring costume, probably "designed" by Alex Ross). He's more eXtreme! He's more grim'n'gritty! He's the Masked Marvel!

Oh, piss off...

And even though that Crayon Butchery thing is well within nextwave's sense of humour, it's still an uncoloured comic that Marvel are trying to sell for extra money, the cheeky bastards. They're just trying to pass it off as "zany". Watch for the "six pages for six dollars" variant...

4:07 AM  
Blogger kelvingreen said...

And "The Accussed"? What?

Dear Christ it's a shambles...

4:08 AM  

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