Thursday, September 29, 2005

Who Is Ronin? Part Uno

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we have all been suffering through the latest New Avengers drivelling diatribe known as the Sentry Arc. Its over. We may now all rejoice. (Insert Great Rejoicing here.) Now, after like issue 3, we have all been wondering, "who is this Ronin person?" We keep being teased. Well, all of us have been teased long enough. Enter: Ronin. I can't wait to see who the hell it is. Just like I can't wait to see what spoils in my fridge overnight. Please note- there will be a spoiler or two here.

New Avengers #11
Ronin Pt. 1

Please note the manly physique of our featured character to the left. Is Ronin a hero? Is Ronin an unknown that BMB wants to start fresh? Or, is no one being duped and this is Daredevil. I tell you now, Ronin is not Matt Murdock. The one panel shows Cap'n America talking to the "recruit" that Murdock recommended. Note the long, long dark hair. Note the words that come from Cap, "...your connections to Wilson Fisk..." and ...if at all possible.. no killing.

Now, if I had to just base it off the hair, this is Elektra. No doubt. But then you look at the Conan-esque look of Ronin, and go "NO WAY" is that Elektra. I could only dream though.

So, who is Ronin. I tell you now. Ronin is-----------

Howard Stern.

Yes. The one, the only Howard Stern. This landmark and American cultural icon is the perfect fit for the character of Ronin. Think of his slick moves and slinky posterior from his "cushy cushy" night job hosting naked models on his radio/television show? The guy has the moves to fight ninja. Have you seen him handle a mic? Also remember, he is a hero in his own image: may I present to you:


The guy is a natural hero. See how he flies through the air to save people? Tell me Bendis would not use this guy? I'm telling you, its the hair. The hair gave it all away. Now, now, I know some of you will just say its a wig, but come on, why bother? A wig is just not needed with this guy's credentials. Tell me this guy couldn't take on ninjas? If you were a ninja, would you want to touch that ass? Hell no. The Hand. U Can't Touch This!

Also, look at the muscles on that man. Now, compare them with Ronin. Come on, even Batman has muscles potruding thru his flimsy outfit, and looks like Mr. Atlas five years ago. They would have to sculpt that Ronin outfit to fit onto this man's body. Howard Stern has the BOD!!!

We all know this guy would kill without hesitation. He could kill simply with his dreaded gaze alone. That's why the need for full blown head gear. He hangs out in Hells Kitchen, so Murdock would know him. Hell, he's probably defended him multiple times over by now.

And lastly, what else is he doing nowadays? Nothing. His shows have been pulled off the air. He has no movies to make? All he is currently doing is hosting dwarf tossing contests on Long Island.

Need I say more? Ronin=Howard Stern.


Blogger kelvingreen said...

Hmmm... you see, I was convinced that Ronin was in fact Charles II of England based on his appearance in the 1652 Avengers annual, but your Stern theory is certainly compelling...

What a delicious mystery Bendis has woven for us all!

Oh wait, no, he hasn't. Hack.

10:34 AM  
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