Longest. Meme. Ever...

...so if you're one of those "I only read comics to look at the pictures" types, this will seem wordy to you.

(Actually, if you're one of those "Jesus Christ, will this guy ever write a sentence that doesn't run 879 words" people, this will also seem wordy to you as well.) But it's a fun geekery exercise, and Lord knows my brain can always use exercise. Also, I blame Kalinara.

First, select your ten fictional characters (from any medium) by whichever method you like best. Then answer the questions below.

1. Philip Marlowe
2. Iron Man
3. Captain Kirk
4. Batman
5. Indiana Jones
6. Sherlock Holmes
7. Dr. Gregory House
8. Hawkgirl
9. Dean Keaton (Gabriel Byrne's character in The Usual Suspects)
10. Arthur Dent

(Note: Right off the bat here I'm courting criticism from Mrs. 2GBC because I only had one female character, and she's of the spandex-clad variety. What can I say? I'm a guy. I identify with male characters more often than females. Let's just assume I lose the argument and move on.)

1. Divide the list up by even and odd. Which group of five would make a better Five Man Band (like a Power Rangers team)? Who would you slot in each position: Leader, Lancer (second-in-command), Big Guy, Smart Guy, The Chick? If you think the team would be improved by swapping one character between the even and odd groups, which ones would you switch?

See, this is what I get for only having one woman. Crap. That'll learn me.

Team A: Philip Marlowe, Kirk, Indiana Jones, Dr. House and Dean Keaton
Team B: Iron Man, Batman, Sherlock Holmes, Hawkgirl, Arthur Dent

Well geez, I certainly know which team I'm calling if Braniac's threatening Metropolis, now don't I? Cripes.

Team A Roster:

Leader --- Captain Kirk (I mean, really. Like there's a choice here?)
Lancer --- Marlowe (He knows how to both give orders and take 'em, when to shut up and when to talk.)
Big Guy --- Indy (Likely the most physically gifted, and handy with swords, guns and whips.)
Smart Guy --- Dean Keaton (Scheming bastard. I'd take two of him if I could.)
Chick --- Er. Sorry, House. (Only one left. Plus, is the "chick" role defined by just being female? You know what, let's stop right there before I get myself in any more hot water.)

Team B Roster:

Leader --- Batman (If I didn't put him in charge, he'd just do whatever he wants to anyway.)
Lancer --- Iron Man (Avengers experience being second in command)
Big Guy --- Hawkgirl (I know, I know. But she's the only one left who can really swing a mace.)
Smart Guy --- Sherlock Holmes (If you don't know why... seek help. Or a library.)
Chick --- Arthur Dent (Um. I... that is... process of elimination, and all that.)

We're not switching anyone, because dammit, this is my hole I dug all by myself and I'm not backing out now.

(Side Note: I am almost positive I will regret this later. I should really read the entire meme before jumping into it.)

2. Gender-swap 2, 8 & 10. Which character would have the most change in their story arc? Which the least? Would any of these characters have to have a complete personality change to be believable as the opposite sex?

Out of Iron Man, Hawkgirl and Arthur Dent? Weird. Arthur's arc (such as it is) changes the least, I think, because really aside from his crush on Trillian he's more of a reader stand-in than anything else. Hawkgirl becoming... er... Hawkguy doesn't really make a whole hell of a lot of difference other than having that whole "eternal love for Katar Hol" thing a bit more salacious to conservative types.

Now, Iron Man as Iron Woman? Love the idea. Love, love, love it. First off, you've got the added dimension of being a female genius billionaire industrialist who has the added burden of getting past the chauvinism one encounters in the business world. Second, the "womanizing" aspect of Tony gets reversed, and I'd be interested to see how that plays out in the Marvel Universe and with reader perceptions.

Sweet Fancy Moses, I think I just wrote the best Iron Man story of the last 20 years. This will be expanded upon in a later post, I promise you that. OK, so far, the meme has been worth the time just for that thought alone. Fuckin' A!

3. Compare the matchups of 1 & 8 and 5 & 9. (Ignore canon sexual preferences for the moment.) Which couple would be more compatible? Which couple would be more plausible to people from either principal's home culture?

Philip Marlowe + Hawkgirl vs. Indiana Jones and Dean Keaton.

Marlowe and Kendra Saunders? Holy Christ, there's another idea for an awesome comic! This meme is a goddamn gold mine! Those two would go together like peanut butter and chocolate. Somebody cook me up an Elseworlds title, stat!

Indy and Dean Keaton would stink together, mainly because they'd never, ever trust one another (although they both share a love for easy money).

Plausibility? Marlowe and Hawkgirl, easy. He lives in L.A., where if you saw a married couple consisting of a man and a woman dressed as a bird flying it wouldn't even crack the top 30 on the list of "strangest things I saw today while walking down the street".

Seriously. Marlowe. Hawkgirl. Busting crime and busting heads! I may not be able to think of anything else all day. Bless you, Kalinara!

4. Your team is 3, 4 & 9. The mission consists of a social challenge, a mental challenge and a physical challenge. Which team member do you assign to each challenge?

So this team consists of Captain Kirk, Batman, and Dean Keaton.

In the words of Rorshach, "Hurm."

Well, Dean Keaton is the consummate con man --- he's gotta be the go-to guy on the social challenge. I'm giving Batman the mental task, since it's pretty well established that he's the Smartest Dude To Dress Up In A Rodent Costume Ever, and that counts for something. Kirk takes the physical duties, because I never get tired of watching the Double Jimmy/Two-Fisted Strike With Interwoven Fingers. (Get your mind out the gutter.)

5. 7 becomes 1's boss for a week in some plausible fashion. How's their working relationship?

BWAHAHAHAH! House as Marlowe's boss? That's... terrible. I give it two days at most. Neither could stand each other, although Marlowe would play it cool, even after House made some snide remark about wearing socks with clocks on them.

6. 2 finds him/her/itself inserted into 6's continuity. As far as anyone other than 2 or 6 is concerned, they've always been there. What role would 2 be presumed to have had in 6's story, and could they fit in without going wonky?

Iron Man in Sherlock Holmes stories? And the brilliant Elseworlds ideas just keep on coming. Iron Man would fit in beautifully --- he's the mad inventor always coming up with machines to do the detective work, and Holmes would swoop in at the end to reveal the criminal scheme with something Iron Man lacks --- the understanding of human nature. This thing writes itself.

7. 3 and 5 get three wishes. The catch is that they have to agree on all three wishes before they get the benefits of any of them. What three wishes would they make?

Kirk and Indy, huh?

1) Women, beautiful ones, in abundance, and keep 'em coming.
2) Knowledge of history preserved in museums for all to see forever and ever.
3) Eternal youth. (Avoids the toupee and paunch we all know they eventually develop.)

8. 1 and 2 are brainwashed by a one-time artifact that works even on people immune to mind control to attack and kill 4. They keep their normal personality, skills and competence level, except any Code vs. Killing has been turned off. Can 4 survive? How?

Jesus, I didn't know there would be math involved. Let's see... Marlowe and Iron Man sent to kill Batman... wait... so the question boils down to "Can Batman Survive and How"?

I'll go with "Yes" and "Any Way He Damn Well Wants To".

9. 6, 7, 9 & 10 must help an orphanage full of small and depressed children have a merry Christmas. Who does what, knowing that at the very least the kids will be expecting a visit from Santa?

Sherlock Holmes: Arranges the subterfuge necessary to convince the children that Santa is present, with reindeer and everything by planting physical evidence like reindeer droppings. What?

House is, of course, Santa, only he's Grumpy Hobbling Santa With A Cane And Five O'Clock Shadow And Crippling Drug Addiction, because we all know he's kind of a big teddy bear way, way, way, way down deep.

Dean Keaton pulls off the heist of the Toys 'R Us to acquire the presents.

Arthur Dent stands around and drinks tea.

10. 3 and 8 are challenged to circumnavigate the Earth in eighty days or less, using only forms of transportation invented before 1900. Can they do it, or will they be fatally distracted by sidequests or their own personality conflicts?

So many questions here. Does Kirk hitting on Kendra count as "fatally distracted"? Do Nth metal wings count as transportaion invented before 1900? Is hot, hot unspoken sexual attraction a "personality conflict"? I don't know if they'd make it, but I'd sure as hell read the comic.

Hey, let's do like Kali and tag everybody!

(Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go write that Marlowe/Hawkgirl script.)