Friday, December 23, 2005

Hal Jordan Should Have a Fat Ass

The way I figure Hal Jordan should look like if Louie Anderson ate Dom Deluise and Tyne Daly in one sitting.

This revelation began with a conversation between Chris and I about Frank Quitely's cover to All-Star Superman and the fact he made Supes look a bit "pudgy."I countered that Superman really shouldn't be muscular. Think about how you build muscles when you work out. You have to break down muscle by pushing your limits, then allow it to recoup, stronger and bigger than before. Considering the yellow sun provides all the effort Kal-El needs to toss a Buick into the next state with one finger, how is he going to build bulging biceps or big firm calves? 99% of what Superman does, even when he's saving the planet from certain doom, is as effortless as breathing is to you or me. And if we're talking about Silver Age Superman, who could push the entire planet out of harms way then put it back when the kamikaze comet had passed, that percentage is even greater.

So, why am I picking on Hal Jordan? Because Hal's ring allows him to put forth even less effort than Superman. Hal doesn't even have to get up to get the remote control if it's on the coffee table out of his reach from the couch. Summoning his willpower and imagining the remote in his grasp will prompt his ring to shoot out a big green hand to grab it or cast a green bubble around it to float the remote back to Hal or construct some kind of elaborate slide worthy of the world's greatest water parks to deliver it into Hal's lap. Once he has it, Hal doesn't even have to push the buttons himself unless, I suppose, they happen to be yellow.

Hal flies wherever he's going, so he's not walking. He uses his ring for anything more strenuous than pouring a glass of milk, and probably uses it for that as well. Hal Jordan should be burning slightly more calories than the average coma patient and that's only because he moves his eyes around more than they do. Yet artists portray him as ripped. Even Alex Ross (who paints Batman as having a pot belly) shows Hal as a slim, fit guy with a distinct hint of six-pack abs.Let us not also forget that Hal is one of the more senior members of the JLA. Personally, I just turned 31 and know that it takes me about eight potato chips to gain a pound and about twenty hours on a Stairmaster to lose it. Hal Jordan could be the universe's greatest hero without ever having to leave his recliner nor put down his meatball Hot Pocket. When he's done saving Athmoora from a supernova, he doesn't even have to unscrew the cap on the tequilla to make celebratory margaritas--unless, again, the cap is yellow, but that would be horribly shortsighted on Hal's part--so what's keeping him from ballooning up like pre-rehab Matthew Perry?

I understand that DC has an iconic figure in Hal Jordan and don't want to portray him as Jabba the Hutt's fatter cousin, but there's an entire corps of Green Lanterns. I want to see one who joins up, then realizes he never has to get out of bed again, and becomes one of those guys who gets so fat he can only wear a bedsheet and the only way he can get out of the house is if the fire department cuts down a wall. He still manages to save millions of lives on a daily basis, but never again sits up under his own power.

8 Comments:

Blogger Chris said...

Once again, my friend, you may have just written the greatest Green Lantern story ever.

The Corpulent Green Lantern should sit in a watchtower and a La-Z-Boy high above his home planet and do nothing but use his ring from afar, get bedsores, and watch reality TV.

You can't tell me that Alan Moore never pitched that idea to DC.

9:00 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

It's a good point you make -- it's the sort of thing that has only been brushed on when Guy would use the ring to make him scantily-clad maids to clean his apartment and get him beer.

(And you're absolutely right: Frank Quietly's dudes are pudgy. I don't know why -- they just look like they're made out of dough to me.)

My only counter is this: pilots are short, skinny guys. Skinny, wiry little things -- nothing but bone and gristle. And Hal strikes me as the kind of fella that would do something like box as a hobby.

But the idea of a fatass Green Lantern? I would totally buy that monthly.

1:42 PM  
Anonymous van Doom said...

hmmm, now wouldn't it be nice if some future DC writer were reading this (or had the same thought) and added a little scene in a future GL comic where Hal (or whoever) was using the ring to create a treadmill, which he was running on?

1:51 PM  
Blogger Ragnell said...

I could see Hal doing that to keep in shape to fly. Or Kyle, because he's vain.

But you're absolutely right, there should totally be a lazy Lantern on some planet.

6:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In addition to amy's good points, I'd think Hal's willpower would come in handy in forcing himself to choose the salad instead of the cheese fries, and in getting onto the elliptical for a couple of hours every day.

That said, it's entirely possibly he could just stop caring about his fitness.

On the other hand, it's kinda been done, in the Incredibles, where Mr. Incredible is too fat for his old costume.

12:14 AM  
Blogger Jake said...

Yeah, but Mr. Incredible got too fat because he was retired. Once he got back into the game, he got back into shape. I'm saying a Green Lantern could conceivably do his job at 600 pounds, eating microwavable burritos, as he could at 180 with 5% body fat.

11:57 AM  
Blogger luxy said...

Obesity is to a degree hereditary....any info on Hal's parents? As for superman, everyother story has kryptonite in it which makes him work as hard as the next guy!!

Secondly, clearly Hal does not eat bacon for breakfast, and did you know about his treadmill at home?

Cheers

10:39 AM  
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