Marvel Mailbag, Vol. I

OK, I just had to get this out of system, and in doing so I think I've stumbled upon a regular feature for 2 Guys Buying Comics. I promise after this post to shut the hell up about Iron Man for at least 2 weeks. Really.




To: Marvel Comics
From: Tony Stark, CEO Stark Enterprises

Dear jackholes Marvel,

It has come to my attention that one of your properties has languished recently under your no doubt careful supervision. (Ha! Super Vision! Write that down, Pepper. I'll use it at the next board meeting.)

It seems that your portrayal of my armored bodyguard known to the public as Iron Man has...well...suffered of late. In the interest of maintaining a good business relationship, I felt it my duty to inform you of perceived problems with your current treatment of my close friend and associate.

Shall we begin with the comic itself? I'd love to, but I can't seem to find one! Imagine my surprise when my local comics dealer told me that issue 5 came in yesterday! This wouldn't be altogether so shocking if it hadn't been the one-year anniversary of issue 2. You see the problem? I applaud you for ringing that Ellis chap to chronicle my his adventures, but for the love of Cap, is it really so hard to crank an issue out even, oh, I don't know, quarterly? Adi Granov does some fine artwork, but at the rate he's going I can only conclude that you pay him by the minute. Please, sirs, a little more consistency.

Update: I just read the latest by Ellis. My lawyers will be in touch.

Additionally, it would be swell if you'd get rid of some of these "New" Avengers you keep foisting on me Iron Man. The Parker boy certainly brings some levity to the situation, but I don't trust this Spider-Woman at all, Mr. Cage has a new family to worry about, Echo Ronin can't even hear me when I'm talking (and if you think I'm going back and redesigning Iron Man's helmet for the gajillionth time to include moving lips, you're crazier than that Sentry crackpot you've got us them babysitting). I'll give you fifty million in cash, finance your next two stinky Elektra, Hulk, Daredevil, Ghost Rider, or Namor movies, AND wage a disinformation campaign against DC for you if you'll just bring back Thor, Wasp, and...oh, I don't know, Hawkeye.

Ah, but I forgot. You can't bring back Hawkeye, because you drove poor Wanda insane (and thanks for making me look like an ass at the United Nations, by the way) and KILLED him. Or did. Now he's back, and apparently not at all happy with us.

(In fact, I had a fever-dream that I was in some kind of universe where that archvillain Magneto had taken over the Earth, non-mutants were discriminated against, Clint Barton was alive and well, and for some odd reason I was running about fighting Father and Hank Pym with Johnny Storm and we were all wearing these patently ludicrous Transformers-looking robot suits. I've been told to inquire at your offices with a Mr. Bendis to find out what was behind that silliness.)

I was talking to Steve Cap the other day, and he was quite disillusioned with the fact that the "New" Avengers have so far beat up a few C-level mutants, a gob of ninjas, D-level prisoners, and the Crusher. Gents, you don't use a pressure washer to water your plants. What's next? The Avengers take on Lawyers Who Have Defaulted on Their Student Loans? Pest exterminators? Really.

But back to Iron Man. In addition to the aforementioned lateness, we'd also like to point out that this Ultimate nonsense has to stop. While it may be a fun little diversion, it bears little resemblance to the iconic character that's well established. Additionally, the armor makes me look like I'm in one of those Japanese comics, you know, the ones that have the people with the big eyes and occasional tentacled genitalia.

Ah, the days of fighting supervillains! I remember when the Iron Man would save the world from the Mandarin, the Unicorn, Whiplash, Living Laser, Madame Masque, and of course that nefarious blackguard Obadiah Stane and his diabolical machinations. This may be news to some of your staff, but believe it or not, not every single piece of armor I design falls into nefarious hands, necessitating a 6-issue story arc that lamely tries to recapture the spirit of the Armor Wars. I'm just saying.

I also owe you a kick in the yam bag for refusing to allow me to continue as Secretary of Defense, which was one of the more original ideas you've had for me in awhile.

Now my blood's up. I must calm myself with a whiskey---ah, that's right, I'm an alcoholic. Actually, a recovering alcoholic, but since no one's bothered to even try to paint a nuance with that potentially interesting character trait since David Michelinie, I'm not suprised you haven't noticed. Would it be too much to call Busiek and see what he's up to these days? (What's that, Pepper? Aqua...sword of what? Oh, cripes. Get the lawyers on the phone and help that dear boy.)

This may seem minor to you, but I'd also appreciate it if you would refrain from using that stupid computerized red font and jagged speech bubble every time Iron Man speaks in a comic.

Anyway, I sincerely hope this letter reaches you in time to make a difference in your current Iron Man publishing strategy, as there are many people out there who think that the Golden Avenger, Ol' Shellhead himself, deserves just as much publicity and adventurous chronicling as that teenage waif with blades coming out of her feet, or whatever that Logan fellow's up to (my, how he gets around), or your next Ultimate Nova project.

Yours,
Tony Stark

P.S. I just checked out that Joe Casey's Iron Man: Inevitable issue #1. Bang-up stuff. I think he gets it. More, please.

P.P.S. I just got a letter from Kelvin Thor --- apparently you've turned the Vision into a teenager and given him breasts? Is anyone actually in charge over there?