Friday, January 13, 2006

In Honor of the Metropolis Dairymen

When you have a problem, where do you turn? 911? Your best friend? Jesus?

Maybe, but what if you have a problem and actually want someone to help you? Then there's only one place to turn:


These unsung heroes typically tend to their cows, pasteurize their milk, and deliver high calcium goodness to the people of the City of Tomorrow, but you'd be wrong if you thought the service they provide this world ends there. The dairyman's catalog is usually limited in our immediate thoughts to milk, cream, and cheese, overlooking such fine bone-fortifying treats as fruit on the bottom yogurt, sour cream, and cottage cheese. Likewise, the dairy farmer's contribution to saving lives, solving crimes, and generally making the world a safer place to live is overshadowed by the vitamin D richness of whole, 2%, and skim.

Finally, Frank Miller and Jim Lee have taken it upon themselves to make sure these everyday heroes are ignored no longer. Bravo, gentlemen. And bravo again.

Prior to All-Star Batman & Robin #3, we all assumed the best way to get Superman's help in a crisis, personal or universe-threatening, was to scream in terror and hope his super-hearing would pick it up and spur him to response. Instead, apparently the direct line to Supes is through his fridge.

Two issues ago, Dick Grayson's parents were gunned down and Batman swept him away, blowing up about fifty Gotham City policemen in his wake. How does Superman learn the child's gone missing?

From his milk carton of course.

Sure, it may seem like the not-yet-Dynamic Duo has only been driving, flying, and submarining around town for less than 30 pages, but more than fifteen hours have passed. As we can see, however, it took only minutes for the fine dairymen of Metropolis to deliver the news, printed on Superman's half gallon of moo juice.

Hell, even the Daily Planet, the DC Universe's most trusted source for breaking news can't beat the milkman.From what I can tell, Superman, being the all-American boy, starts his day each morning with thirty-two ounces of the white stuff (chocolate on Saturdays). To help him set his schedule and prioritize which of the world's quandaries he should solve, the dairies print a new carton every night, listing the most urgent troubles facing the planet. Someone either beams it up to the JLA Watchtower where whomever is on duty beams it back into Clark Kent's refrigerator, or Krypto comes by the dairy to fetch the carton and return it to Clark's apartment before flying home to Connner.

That carton saves countless lives, reunites lost children with their parents, and has extracted countless kittens from trees.

God bless the Dairymen!


Blogger Spencer Carnage said...

Yeah, DC really screwed the pooch with Miller on this one. I'd rather take a Johns/Lee comic over this. The worst part is that everyone is eating this up like candy.

1:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In the middle of everything else wrong with this book, I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed this.

11:48 PM  
Blogger kelvingreen said...

Oh, thre was a long discussion about the timing of this book over at one of my message boards. In the end, we decided that Batman and pre-Robin have been driving from the circus to the Batcave for about three weeks. I'd guess the Goddamn Batman is taking the long way around to shake off the cops. The ones he hasn't killed.


9:32 AM  
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