It's come to my attention that some of you out there may still not realize exactly how bad Civil War
#4 is. Thus, 2GBC presents Civil War
#4: Page By Page. Keep in mind that I was actually liking
the series up to this point.
PAGE 1: Previously, on Civil War
... you get the picture. And Hercules getting thrown up in the air by a big lightning bolt. Amusingly, the credits list this issue as having editors
. I can find no evidence to support this.
PAGE 2: Full-page splash of CloneBot Thor doing his best Headbanger's Ball metal-thrashing
pose with Mjolnir.
PAGE 3: After Falcon introduces himself to CloneBotThor, Dagger points out that everyone thought Thor was dead, to which the Mark Millar God of Thunder displays his predilection for Steven Seagal movies
by uttering, "No, Dagger. That would be YOU
." Then he throws his hammer, which apparently is enough to send four heroes who weren't standing THAT close together ass over elbows.
PAGE 4: Dagger speaks for Marvel fans everywhere
, pointing out "We've got to get out of here. This is REALLY REALLY WRONG...". ThorClone calls us all wretches, hits the ground and more heroes go flying. It should be pointed out that on this page RockerThor has creepy glowy eyes.
PAGE 6 and 7: We officially wave goodbye
to Continuity and Characterization as Cap and his allegedly broken jaw resorts to name-calling, Iron Man "safely
" puts everyone's brain
", and IM uses the phrase "tough old bird" to describe CAPTAIN FREAKIN' AMERICA, which is a bit like saying "That Sentinel's kinda big."
Sue Storm, ever the voice of the reader
: "Oh, Lord. This is HORRIBLE. I can't even LOOK..."
Of course, this Cap has a broken jaw and regenerative teeth, so what do I know? Tony could have grown a tail, feathers, and a third eye and I wouldn't have even blinked at this point.)
PAGE 8: A freshly-singed Hercules throws a building on Iron Man, which apparently let everyone's brain turn right back on and a fight commences again.
PAGE 10: Hercules, in the middle of bench-pressing Iron Man, tells Falcon to go get Cap, who is either having a building fall on him or a giant stone foot
is stepping on him, I can't tell which.
PAGE 12: Oh, look, SHIELD's here. Goliath throws a truck at them, talks smack to Arnold Thorgenegger, and then gets ventilated
courtesy of a lightning bolt through the chest. Accompanied of course by an "I don't THINK so" by StupidThor, who apparently just lurves
the movie Commando
(insert Jeph Loeb joke here) .
PAGE 13: Holy crap, Goliath's dead and Sylvester Thorllone explains "You ARE all going down." Bonus Points to Steve McNiven for tempering our grief
over Bill Foster's death with Dagger's torn uniform that exposes butt-cheek. This is wretched
PAGE 16: ThorDude gets ready to zap the resistance into... um, wherever things go when they end up on the bidness end of a lightning bolt. At the last minute, they're protected by a force shield from Sue Storm, and this is the last time in the comic Sue does anything that makes remotely any sense.
PAGE 18: The resistance get they asses outta there via Cloak, and Reed Richards... my God, I can't even type this... sigh
. Reed activates Cloney McClonealot's
shutdown sequence with the code "Richard Wagner 1813-1883". Get it? Because he wrote the Ring
trilogy! (No, not the one with Hobbits. The other one, with valkyries
and such.) Reed then has a priceless expression as if even he can't believe he came up with such a stupid code.
PAGE 19: Sue tells Reed to shut the hell up, and from the looks of things he'll be sleeping on the couch tonight, boy! (Remember that, it's important in a few pages coming up.) The Watcher looks at them all like he just found out there's still 3 issues to go
of this. Also: Peter Parker has doubts!
PAGE 20: Back at Avengers Tower, someone who looks very much like Reed Richards is drilling into NakedThor (Hi, Googlers!
) via the ear. Think THAT panel will make a lunchbox any time soon? Oh, and Millar shows his knack for clumsy characterization by having Pym say "Do you really think I'm so remote--- so detached --- that this wouldn't have some kind of IMPACT on me?"
Um, no, Hank, that wasn't implied at all, but since we had to show you being conflicted, we thought we'd just throw that out there. Also: Parker has more
PAGE 22: Hank looks like he's about to cry, and he doesn't understand why fabricating an all-powerful God of Thunder resulted in someone's death. Couldn't have seen that
coming! Also: Parker has doubts! Again!
PAGE 24 + 25: Back at Resistance HQ, Luke Cage --- he of the unbreakable skin
, mind you --- is wearing a band-aid
, Cap's saying that by getting their asses kicked they just picked up another twenty supporters, and Tony's numbers are dwindling. Nighthawk points out that Goliath just got waxed, and half their army is in the Richards Penitentiary For Wayward Heroes
Cable immediately quits because he's scared of Thor, which... huh
? Cable and a few others walk out on Cap, which somewhat takes the shine off that whole "We just picked up 20 new guys!" elation earlier in the panel. Cap reverts to a six-year-old and essentially says "Let 'em go, we didn't want to play with them anyway, and WE'LL show THEM by getting a bigger treehouse! Nyah!" Nighthawk unsuccessfully
tries to convince us that Cap's willing to get everyone killed so they don't have to work for the gubmint. Good LORD.
PAGE 26 + 27: Some dude in a ski mask that I don't even care
who he turns out to be is watching the quitters mentioned above. At Goliath's funeral, Tony shows what a great guy he is by pointing out that Bill Foster's funeral was all-expenses paid by Stark International! Plot Device Mom Of A Kid Killed In Stamford
shows up and gives Tony her son's Iron Man action figure in a ham-handed attempt at convincing us that Tony's actions might be justified, and draws pretty much the worst parallel in history by comparing Tony to a cop who shoots someone pointing a gun at him.
(No, it doesn't work.)
PAGE 28: Because Peter Parker has the gall
to be comforted by MJ and Aunt May at the funeral, Reed thinks he's up to something... because, you know, Reed Richards has always been a distrusting, paranoid doofus
. Meanwhile, Sue's writing a letter to Reed explaining that she's joining "Cap's SECRET AVENGERS team". They're really known as the SECRET AVENGERS? When they're not secret in the least? I guess we can officially throw Reed in the Broken Characters pile
with Tony now. God, I hate this comic.
PAGE 30: Susan Storm, deciding that she can't support Reed, packs up and leaves her kids in the care of a now-fascist paranoid mad scientist who has the parenting skills of a carburetor.
Read that last sentence again.
Yes, it's that
dumb. Sue Storm: another character for the pile!
But remember when we all thought Reed was going to be sleeping on the couch? NOPE! Turns out she doesn't want his last memory of her to be a bad one, so she cooks his favorite dinner, gets him his favorite wine and does the horizontal bop one last time. She and Johnny drive off inconspicuously
in Johnny's bright red car with the "TORCH
" license plate.
PAGE 29: Back at Avengers HQ, in direct contradiction to Cap's estimate earlier, Tony and Reed discuss the fact that actually, no, THEY'RE the ones losing numbers, and Cap's team has the advantage! Get it? Both sides think the other one is stronger! Har! This has all the gravitas
of a Three's Company episode.
PAGE 30: In the final nail
in the pro-registration side's coffin, they've hired Venom, Taskmaster, Bullseye, Lady Deathstrike, and co. to be the new Thunderbolts and help them corral Cap's Kooky Gang. Really. No, I'm serious.
The only thing missing now is a blurb at the end saying "NEXT ISH: TONY STARK, BABY-EATER! PLUS: REED RICHARDS PUNCHES NUNS!"
That's it. The good news is I won't be buying any more issues, I'll be getting them for free. The bad news is that I'll still